The past four years have been the time of my life – a roller coaster of deep emotions, water issues, disease, lack of education on many levels, cross cultural misunderstandings and awful frustrations, the meetings of angels, the devil, and the opening of my heart.
I was pretty happy with my life. I lived in a beautiful house in Sydney and still do – with lots of different types of people from all over Asia and of course, all my animals. Everything was good but, to be honest with you, I had always been a person who needed to be on the move, experiencing different cultures, languages, food, humour, music and poetry – just different energies and, I really appreciated learning from other lands as my own culture did not offer me what I deeply desired and that was a journey into the mystical world. I’ve always been a traveller and my soul was restless.
Giving and receiving is an exchange of energy. I love to give for what else is there really in life on this realm but to give. Don’t get me wrong, I love my perfumes and fashions but I am a giver and that’s not my fault – I’ve been made that way! I also come from a family of givers.
Giving until you can give no more is a deeply interesting way of Being. I am, or rather I was, definitely someone who wanted to enter another realm of consciousness and I was interested to see if this was the path.
Actually, when I think about my life it was pretty damn boring before Pakistan. I had everything yet not what I needed – without sounding ungrateful, nothing really deeply satisfied me. My husband and I happily parted. I wanted more from myself – I wanted to BE more – I wanted to feel more and see more of the unseen world. I wanted to enter another world and I did. I definitely did not want to repeat the first part of my life with mortgages, shopping, too many dinners, meaningless conversations and ridiculous and petty issues – I was over it completely and I am never to return.
Around that time, my love of poetry would consume me. The beautiful poems of Rumi and Ghalib are about God, beauty, water and of course LOVE. I was already in a different world but I did not know it.
I would spend my days reading poems and talking to my friends about the beautiful words and love. I was consumed by the words of the poems. How completely beautiful and how I yearned for those words to be part of my life. I did have a friend who introduced me to my own heart. I remember – we were talking about how many people in the world had died for our freedom and this made a direct impact on me. How ungrateful was I to complain of anything and how gratitude from that day has played a very important part in my life – in fact it is everything!
What happened next was quite amazing: the floods of 2010 devastated Pakistan and for some reason I really took notice of this major catastrophic natural event! I had friends in Pakistan at the time with whom I was sharing poetry. I had never been to Pakistan and to be frank, I had never ever thought of going at all!
I made a call to a high profile Pakistani representative and suggested we do a little fundraiser together. I started working with him and it was indeed quite an enlightening experience. I was confident and efficient and I wanted to help. I was used to being in the company of polite and capable people so you can imagine my shock at the rudeness and arrogance on display but I was soon to learn that my demeanor was quite confronting. Yes, being confident and smart is an issue for these guys and what was I to do? Keep quiet and do nothing?
On reflection, he taught me a lot about how I was going to be treated by the many Pakistani men I was going to meet. It would have been a good idea if I had really taken notice but of course I didn’t. I was not smart enough it seems and definitely naïve. And, niave to how people would perceive me. I had no idea how suspicious the community is and why would they think of me as a possible CIA agent, Christian missionary, lover of Pakistani men, actually the list is endless. I do not blame them as it wasn’t about me at all, it was about them however it was baffling and upsetting for me at that time, as I was not equipped to understand their reasons for such thoughts. Four years on and I have embraced real compassion and a deeper understanding.
Today, as I write this blog, I absolutely have a freedom within myself that has developed because of misunderstandings and fear based thoughts from all sides, mine as well and I am deeply grateful for that liberty. I was also to learn how hurt and wounded the Pakistani people are and how misunderstood by the wider international community. With darkness as a close friend how could I expect anyone to trust me but you will be very pleased to know that actually plenty of people did and do trust me and I in return, trust them.
Pakistan and me. A very complicated relationship indeed.
I did not know where all my passion came from or what I was really doing. I was in the flow of something bigger than myself and on reflection it was obvious that Pakistan was meant to be part of my life. I had knocked on the door of another world and the door opened for me.
The tears of confusion concerning relationship conflicts had started to fall almost immediately, a dull heaviness was beginning to surround my spirit and it was just the beginning of my heart being cracked open and, it hurt! Exhausting! I had little knowledge on how to actively separate my feelings and emotions. Everything seemed so powerful yet it wasn’t really. Just another learning curve 🙂
Lessons had be learned and I had no idea what was before me. I did not ponder on what could happen – I was only interested in was the women and children. That’s it!
I had to get to Pakistan and see for myself how the people were living. I wanted to feel it! If you can feel it then you can take action, it becomes real and not just a tv screen and reporter telling you how it is…..and, I really wanted to see the truth of why?